1. Go grocery shopping with them and offer to pay. Pile the trolley with lots of stuff and when you get to the check out, pretend you left your wallet in the car and ask them to stay with the trolley. Leave them there.
2. Eat all the chocolate chips from their cookies and put them back into the packet.
3. When they cook a pizza, open the oven just before it’s ready and eat all the toppings.
4. When they get home, dress a scarecrow in your clothes, and when you open the door for them, scream and thrust it in their face. Repeat at irregular intervals to keep them on their toes.
5. Melt the base of a scented candle until the wax is soft and then press it firmly to the ceiling. Repeat until the house is entirely decorated.
6. Put blue food colouring in their drink whenever they leave it unattended. And when they come back, tell them that a Smurf took a bath in it.
7. Whenever they ask you to nip out and buy something, come back with a really obscure version of the product. Eg: Instead of buying straws, get the curly plastic ones that are impossible to drink from. Or get powdered milk instead of normal carton milk. If they ask you to get eggs, come back with Mini Eggs, Quail eggs, rubber eggs, a peace egg, and make a stop at the pet shop and ask for some fish eggs.
8. Leave really strange notes on the fridge that panic and confuse them. Example: appointment with God Tue 3:20/ alien invasion 12 PM Mar 9th/ Building works in living rm Mon 2:19 AM.
9. Take your hot chocolate and coffee powder and tip half of each into the other container so they’re both 50% coffee and 50% hot chocolate and when they ask you if the drinks taste different say no. Continue to do this every time they buy new lots of the drink. Repeat with the sugar and salt.
10. Whenever you’re in the same room together, do a running commentary of their actions. Example: “Thomas gets up and oh! Oh! He seizes the remote control and consumes another nacho with gusto. That’s Thomas: 98; nachos:0. He seems to be in a foul mood today, I wonder if that scowl will make a reappearance this season.”
11. Whenever you go to a restaurant together, bring a few fake plastic animals in your pocket, and when the meal comes, scatter a few woodlice and beetles on their food and call the waiter over to tell them that your friend wants a refund. Watch them get chewed out by the waiter when they realise the bugs are fake and tut disapprovingly. If you’re feeling more adventurous, throw a plastic parrot, or even a real parrot onto their food and repeat the process before they can stop you.
12. Mow the lawn into the shape of a dog and when your housemate goes out to finish the job properly, yell out the window that you’re going to report them to the RSPCA.
Hello! Now that I’ve successfully guided you through how to lose every single one of your friends, I hope you’ll Like this post and share it with anyone who might need the advice. Leave a comment telling us what your housemate or family member does to drive you completely nuts.
Vivien Lin resides in the UK and is a full-time student and blogger with a hazardous book problem. Ellen Degeneres is her fairy godmother. She is a tenured professor in the Department of Being Constantly Embarrassing, with a dual appointment in the Department of Farting Around. She spends much of her spare time writing bad poetry and consecutively breaking and fixing toilet seats.
Her blog, thereisnowhyblog.wordpress.com, would be happy to see you.