Although holidays differ between cultures and religions, they seem to have a common emphasis: family. For the vast majority of Americans, late November through early January is a bustle of airport security, endless gift wrapping, and cramped sleepovers for the sake of being together as a family.
For some, this time of year is a happy and long-awaited vacation to see people they miss and care about. But for others, it’s the time of year they’ve been dreading. In fact, there are probably more people dreading the holidays than we realize.
Before we write these people off as “Scrooges,” it’s important to take into consideration a few reasons why coming home for the holidays can be difficult.
1. Family drama
It’s the stuff stage plays are made of — as a playwright, I should know. It’s entertaining when Sam Shepard writes it, but in real life, that tension is anything but jolly. Things happen in families. Terrible things. Abuse, insults, betrayal, secrets, crimes. For some, being around family brings up past hurts and fuels anger. Some people can’t go home without being attacked or interrogated about their lives and choices. Home isn’t always that safe place in the JC Penny holiday commercials.
2. No family or less family
Circumstances like death and divorce mean fewer feet beneath the table. Financial issues keep some people from being able to travel or take time off work to see their loved ones. Some people, especially young people, have been disowned for loving someone their family doesn’t approve of. How awful it must be for these people to be bombarded with billboards of happy families around Christmastime. Holiday propaganda pressures us to have meaningful relationships, but not everyone has it all figured out by the time Target starts displaying Christmas decorations (which was, what, September this year?!).
3. Life stages
Growing up means transitioning away from our family’s traditions. It’s healthy and normal, but the guilt sometimes remains — or it’s put there by family. Some decide to spend Thanksgiving with a roommate’s family or to take a class trip. Or maybe some just got married and are facing the custody-like scenario of choosing between family gatherings. Those of us who hold onto family tradition like it’s some kind of holy grail are in for a rude awakening and some heavy disappointment. Change is what life is about. We are going to miss family dinners. We are going to make our own traditions, or even choose to opt out, and there is nothing wrong with this.
As a final word…
Those who consider themselves part of normal, happy families (though they are probably kidding themselves to some extent) should be thankful for the family that they have and be mindful of how others might be feeling. Holiday traditions can be great. Family togetherness can be great. But when your relatives go home and you start up the new year, don’t forget that you are an individual. Even though you’re partly molded by where you came from, you’re still very much your own person in charge of your own happiness.
