Dear Bigfoot (I’d call you Sasquatch, but that seems difficult),
I have always been very interested in you, but not for the same reason other people are. See, most people want to find you for the fame, the possible fortune, or just to prove to everybody that they are right about your existence. My reasoning is that you and I would be great friends. Now, I know that sounds crazy, but let’s look at the evidence:
-You have weirdly big feet, and I have weirdly small hands. We would balance each other out. I can grab things in small-to-reach places for you, and you could kick things that I need to have kicked.
-You have been spotted all across the country, which makes me think you like traveling. SO DO I! We could totally travel together and take the carpool lane.
-You like being alone. Honestly, I do too. I like my space, and I think the two of us being alone together would pay off because one could be a lookout while the other is “being alone.”
-You’re tall, and I’m short. This is basically like the big feet/small hands thing. You can reach into trees and get me things while I can crawl into small caves and fetch whatever you need.
-You walk a lot, and I’m sure that gets annoying. I would totally let you borrow my car if you needed it. That’s what BFFs are for.
-According to a lot of research, you have below average hearing. UM, HELLO! I have AMAZING hearing. You see how that would help?
-Apparently, you’re between 600-800 pounds. Now, I’m not judging or anything, but you could stand to shed a few pounds, and I’m sure your diet of rodents and deer won’t help you with that. I can teach you yoga, and we can go on morning jogs.
-We can go for manicures/pedicures together because I honestly don’t even want to see your feet at this point. Must be a mess.
Anyway, Bigfoot (Can I call you Big? I feel like we should be on a first name basis by now)… I hope you’ll consider all of these points, seriously, because I really think we have something good here. If you want, we can call the Loch Ness Monster, but I’ve heard she’s kind of a show-off.
Have an amazing day and be careful out there; it’s flu season.
Sincerely,
Your future BFF, Lara Yacoubian
P.S. — The shoe shopping we could do!