May 21st, I wanted to wake up happy and ready to celebrate my husband’s birthday. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I fell into a restless sleep with tears rolling down my face the night before, and the realization that my 15-month-old son was deaf wasn’t any easier to handle as the sun came up.
For a couple of months prior, we had our suspicions that something was wrong with Grayson, but we couldn’t pinpoint it. I actually thought he was autistic for a couple of days, but it just didn’t fit. Then it dawned on me: “I don’t think he can hear us.” But I couldn’t decide if he couldn’t hear me or if he was too distracted to respond. Since he could be distracted while awake, a coworker suggested that I try to wake him up while he was sleeping. So that night, the night before Ryan’s birthday, we went into Grayson’s room and called for him. Nothing. Desperate for a response, we yelled, we banged on furniture, we knocked on the door… still nothing. Immediately, we knew I had been right and that our son was deaf. We cried for at least an hour before we finally gave in to the notion of sleep.
It has been three months since they confirmed our diagnosis. In that short amount of time, it’s been nothing short of a whirlwind. A hearing test, an MRI/ABR, another hearing test, hearing aids, another hearing test, calls upon calls with more specialists than I can remember, consults, and, finally, cochlear implant surgery came and went. I feel as though I have just now been given a moment to finally catch my breath and reflect on what all of this means.
When I first found out, I was obviously in denial. Who wouldn’t be when you find out that there is something wrong with your little baby? And trust me, no matter how many times you hear, “He failed his hearing test/He has severe hearing loss/He is deaf,” it does NOT get any easier. Whose fault is this? Why is MY son deaf? Why, God? I felt so burdened by this heavy load. The stress alone was enough to make me lose sleep for weeks at a time. Even as I look back on the first few weeks after May 21st, I am overwhelmed, and the tears start streaming again. Why is he deaf? He’s so precious, so little, so innocent, so perfect! I don’t understand! Why?
Even as I witnessed the miracle of him hearing sound again for the first time on August 13th, I was filled with mixed emotions. First, happiness took over my entire being. I am flooded by it even now. Watching him turn his head toward a xylophone in the background without any visual cues — believe me when I say this — my heart nearly burst into a million pieces. And though I cannot be happier, the thought of everything yet to come brings a strong emotion that is so overwhelming and scary that I can hardly stand. How do people put on an armor of preparedness and strength in such difficult and uncertain times?
To this, I say: I go to the Lord. He is the only One who fills me up with peace when I want to break. He is the only One who gives us the strength to take another step into the unknown. He is the only One who gives me guidance when I feel lost. And He is the One who reminds me that I am not alone — despite how alone I really feel. When I don’t have the answers and I feel more sadness than I can bare, I go to Him and I am rejuvenated. I just need to take everything one step at a time. I need to remain in His presence. I need to keep in mind that Grayson is one of the happiest babies on the planet. And mostly, I need to remind myself that, even if Grayson is a little less than normal, God is with him when I cannot be and is watching over him every day.
“The heavens proclaim his righteousness, and all peoples see his glory.” Psalm 97:6