I Want to See You Smile

Dear Future Me,

I don’t know if you will ever have the chance or are still alive enough to read this. And I do hope that if you’re ever reading this, you’re not reading it while crying and thinking about disappearing for a while or maybe even forever. No, you’re not going to do the same things I’ve done before. You’re not going to do that again, right? And if you’re not, well I’m really thankful for that.

I’m scared. I’m scared of being that terrible person everybody said that I would be. Are you a terrible person? Did you finish college? Did you finally get along with your parents? Are you still crying? I have so many questions that I want to ask you, but I know you can never answer any. So all I can do for now is to write to you and hope that maybe you’d listen.

You know what? I wish that you’re just fine, wherever you are. I wish that you’re better now. I wish that you can still smile. That you’ll still be the same old happy me. That you can still be happy and laugh without making it as an excuse to cover up your tears. That you can still smile and know that it’s genuine. I didn’t give myself a chance to be truly happy. I think that happy is not defined by the things you have or what people give you but the warmth of the things you don’t see.

I hope that you’re stronger than me and will be stronger as time goes by. As of now, I’m tired of all the wounds and scars I get every time I try to put the broken pieces of my life back together. I’ve made mistakes. Big ones. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have. And sometimes I can’t close my eyes without crying or feeling heavy inside. I’ve heard lots of things; most of them weigh me down. And I know that as time goes by, you will hear and see more of them.

And I want to say sorry to you. I know I’ve done things that you wish you’d rather forget. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you regret anything. I’m sorry for all those times that I didn’t try. I’m sorry for not reaching out to our parents that much. I’m sorry if I ever am that scar you’d want to erase. I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. And I wish that you’ll forgive me. That you’ll forgive yourself, myself, and ourselves.

See, I’m not asking much. I want you to be a better me. Bury this me, the one who’s writing to you now, on the ground, but keep all those things she used to be. The good things she used to be. Also, never forget to hope. Tears may run dry, but hope doesn’t. And all those people who said you won’t amount to anything? Those who said you can’t do it? Prove them wrong. Show them you don’t need light to shine. But never forget to forgive them and be humble. And please be nice to our parents. Talk to them in a low voice, hug them and tell them that you love them while you still can. All these things I can’t do right now because I’m being consumed by my own shadows.

I don’t know when everything will get better. And right now, I don’t know if they ever will. But I know you can. I’m counting on you.

Glorienne Broñola is a 14-year-old student who is currently studying at Saviour School as a 9th grader. Her life revolves around rock music, books, writing, and her fandoms. She lives in Antipolo City, Philippines, with her family and their pets, Feeboo and Nero.