There are some days
That I just can’t seem to get myself out of bed
That my heart feels so heavy it makes my head feel light
That I just don’t want to wake up
I cower under the safety of my blanket
But it feels like a shroud for the ghost
Of the little girl I no longer recognize in myself
I used to hate falling asleep
Because I was afraid of getting nightmares
Now I am afraid of waking up
Because the nightmares are my reality
And there is no insomnia for
For the voices in my head
Whispering lullabies of my deepest fears
Broken records of hallucinations
I do not remember having.
I am afraid of sleeping with the lights on.
There are some days
Where days turn into nights
In the blink of an eye
And yet I cannot blink myself
A different reality
That I am not afraid of living.
There are some days
When it gets hard to breathe
And there are some days
I wish I could stop breathing
Because it’s the panic bubbling in my chest
And it manifests like a potion in a witch’s cauldron
A concoction of my own anxiety
Served to me on a silver spoon
Like medicine I refused to swallow down as a child
Only you can’t swallow your anxiety
Because it will claw its way out of your throat
And you can try to kill your thoughts
If they don’t try to kill you first.
I hate being alone
Because being alone with myself
Is like tracing knives on my skin
It’s so easy to get lost in my own psychosis
That when I finally find my way back
I’m not sure if it’s really me that’s returned.
There are some days
When the panic screams in my head
And my rationale is a dead language
I no longer know the words to
I can’t drown my demons
Because they know how to swim
And I am merely mermaid shell.
Do not tell me it’s all just in my head
Do not tell me it’s something I can “get over”
Do not tell me it gets better
Because it feels like I’m drowning
And you’re screaming, “learn how to swim.”
It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle in my head
And you’ve turned a blind eye on my white flag
I know it seems ridiculous
But you can’t see it all in my head
Fear has its icy fingers intertwined around my heart like a death grip
And each second it tightens
And tightens
And tightens
Until my last grip on sanity comes loose
Sometimes to stay alive
You have to kill your mind
But
My mind is a noose
And I cannot untie a dead knot
My mind is a labyrinth
And I am all out of golden string
My mind is a game of Russian roulette
And I do not know how to play
My mind is a freak accident
I have no memory of being involved in
It destroys everything in its way
And I watch as I let it
There are some days
When I finally understand why
Hurricanes are named after people.
Marisa Yow is 15 years old, and she lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. She is exceptionally good at binge-watching Korean dramas or any Netflix series, obsessing over Stranger Things (which is her current obsession), crying over movies and books (like full on, ugly and snotty sobbing), laughing at her own jokes, and petting dogs. She’s an avid lover of the rainy days, old movies, desserts, and Christmas. More of her work can be found at www.unaphrodite.blogspot.com, and you can find her on Wattpad at www.wattpad.com/user/osculate; she’d love to be friends!