Dear Ninja, the other day I went to a party with my friends and wore a really cute dress that I had just bought. I thought I looked good, and so did my girlfriends, but when we were leaving, some guys from my high school started making rude comments about how the dress made me look and called me a slut. I was really upset, but when I told my mom, she told me it was my fault for wearing a dress like that and “making the wrong impression” and that “boys will be boys.” I don’t think this is my fault, but I don’t know what I could have said in my defense in either situation. What would you recommend?
Oh, cute dresses! Ninjas love cute dresses. I bet you didn’t know that.
Here’s something else you may not know. People say the craziest things when they are scared or feel powerless. Even people who like us. Or love us. Even moms. So here’s my take on the situation:
First, good for you. Good for you for wearing a cute dress. Good for you for enjoying how you look in it. Good for you for having girlfriends that build up your self-esteem, and good for you for finding a ninja when you started getting conflicting messages on that.
Second, it’s a touchy thing to say that someone’s mom is, you know, the opposite of right; but, I can with comfort say that when moms are afraid for their children, and when they don’t know how to equip them to go out into the world as the beautiful and brilliant people that they are, even moms can say things that are the opposite of smart. Will boys be boys? By definition, yes. Does that mean that boys will be jerks? Only if they are allowed to be; and, even then, not all of them. I imagine that your mom really wants you to be safe and, because she can’t imagine controlling everyone else’s behavior, she is making a kind of attempt to control yours. I think, though, that you are past that stage and that she has clearly done a good job with you – that’s why you know, rightly, that this situation is not your fault. A couple of examples on how to talk to her about it: “Mom, I think girls should be able to wear things that make them feel pretty without receiving rude remarks. Do you have a reason to think differently?” or “Mom, I realize that boys will be boys, but I hope you will support me in feeling that they treated me badly and it was wrong of them to do so.” I’m sure you will phrase it much cooler.
Third, it’s a judgment call with the boys. Lots of times, simply ignoring inappropriate behavior and moving on with your night is the best way to handle “cat calling.” Boys are testing. They also don’t know how to handle their emotions – not your fault – and are wondering if they can draw you into a conversation that revolves in some way around sex. Just moving on is your defense. However, if you feel that they were intending to intimidate or humiliate you, then you can report their behavior at school even though the party was not on school grounds. Let your counselor or teacher know how the experience made you feel and that you are uncomfortable around them at school if this is the case. The boys can and should be instructed that such behavior is harassment, is unacceptable, and that they can in no way interfere with your learning environment.
It’s really important to understand that by moving on and not escalating the situation, you DID defend yourself. Ninjas know that the best way to win in a fight is simply to not be in a fight. It sounds like there is a conversation to still be had with your mom, but that’s okay. Things don’t have to happen all at once. She will respect your maturity for reflecting on her words and coming back to acknowledge your differences.
Keep wearing those cute dresses and feeling pretty. I got your back.