Trigger warning: Suicide & Self-Harming Behaviours

i woke up. after taking 6 sleeping pills the night before. before i knew what happened.
i couldn’t go to sophie’s funeral. i couldn’t say goodbye the way i wanted to. i didn’t want to say goodbye at all. she lived in london. i live in canada. it’s almost been a year. it’s almost been a year since i woke up without my best friend. millions of “R.I.P’s” flooded her facebook page. i still try to message her. still want a response. and then i remember.

what just happened.
i don’t believe it
i don’t believe it
i can’t.

i am paralyzed.

now, sophie and suicide are the main things that spin around in my mind. they are connected. i try to get away. numb it. i walk for hours. i smoke cigarettes. i try to silence the screaming of my mind  by opening skin. try to see her again. try to be with her. i count out reasons to go with each pill spilled out in my shaky, sweaty hand. i don’t eat. i eat too much and make up for it. i yell. i feel my skin boil in a hot shower.

today is day 306. some days, i can’t cry. some days, i am a broken, leaky faucet and the tears will not stop. some moments, i am okay. when the sun begins to shine through clouds. and the sky opens up. when the sun sets. after it rains.

It doesn’t last. It never does.
i try to picture you at peace, without pain. finally free of your demons.
i try to forget all the pain you left behind.