Constantly find myself giving and giving until I run myself dry. I meet people, and I give, and I expect the same in return. More often than not, they take and take as I give but quickly get bored of it and run away.
When learning this, I would get paranoid and push away, until one day someone proved me wrong.
I gave and gave…then, I received the same love. I thought, Huh?… That’s different. As this went on, I got comfortable and scared, so I began to pull away.
Thoughts filled my head:
“Aren’t you tired of me?”
“Don’t you hate me?”
“I understand that I’m too much.”
I wouldn’t only think that but say it, and when I would voice it, he was confused and would respond:
“What?! No.”
“Not at all, I was just busy.”
“Why would you even think that?”
I continued to give and ask, until the only thing I had left to give was my body.
I convinced myself it was okay and that I was ready. Slowly clothing was falling, piece by piece.
“Its okay. He’s different.”
“He’s good. He cares for me.”
“I need to. He deserves it for being so good to me.”
I have trained my mind to “reward” those who stick around me, and that was how I found myself naked and vulnerable in a room with an AMAZING friend.
And without thinking of the consequence or damage I was creating, I was willing to give it all to him.
As time went on, that friendship grew stronger and deep, a friendship I thought could withstand almost anything. Until I had to leave. He slowly began to pull away, cut me out of special parts of his life, and I felt cheated.
“This is too painful.”
“I need to lose my affection for you.”
“I can’t love someone so far away.”
The words he would say cut deeper than a knife. I thought we could be something, but how can two grow when only one is giving.
And once again I have given all of me to someone who couldn’t handle it.
Stephanie Smith is currently a freshman at a Christian college tight outside of LA. She has always struggled with writing and reading but has learned to turn those difficulties into a passion, using writing as a release from life around her.