Been a year now without you,
without having those seemingly endless conversations and rants,
without savoring your delectable cuisine,
without you complimenting me, my outfits, my hair, and everything, everything.
Yet none of those 365 or less days passed by without me reminiscing about you.

The night you carved a pathway for yourself,
to embark towards heaven,
jus’ a while away, before the antique clock struck midnight,
I just could not sleep.
There was somethin’ bout’ that melancholic night that kept me awake.

The sky was full of tumultuous, dark, and ragged clouds.
Lightning and thunder raged with fury.
Amidst all this came one phone call
that shattered my world apart into a million tiny fragments
that ricocheted around my room.

A sudden tremor passed through my vertebral column,
frozen thoughts hovered precariously in dead space,
a whirlwind of memories sliced through my soul.

I adored you immensely,
you meant the whole world to me,
and you were declared dead.
The thought of you being no more
wrecked me, wrecked me
in every possible way it could.

I was speechless. I was quivering.
Even as I pressed my hand against the wall,
it shook, it trembled.

A solitary tear fell down my cheek.
I could feel the warmth sliding and rolling off my chin.
Then another. And another.
Until my eyes flooded with them.
Just like rainfall
they fell and fell, and I let them fall.
Deep emotions stirred within my tangled mind, with no other outlet,
but only through my long-lasting sobs.

Everything was raw, I promise:
raw tears, raw emotions.
I tried to hold the tears
that threatened to leave my eyes,
but I just couldn’t—couldn’t stop.
Just as your lifeless body gets cremated,
with remnants being merely just ashes,
I buried my tears,
hoping to be strong for myself
but mostly for others.

But who knew that
I cried myself to sleep for days,
constantly wishing gallons of tears
could bring you back to life.

And now that you’re no more,
I wipe my own tears away, pick myself up,
put the broken pieces back together, and heal on my own.
Sometimes I lay awake at night
when the world is all fast asleep
and take a walk down memory lane,
with tears upon my cheeks.

She was truly an angel,
who mothered my mother,
just as my mother mothers me.

~ in loving memory of my grandma ❤


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