Here we are again, trying to make sense of this crazy Homestuck ride. In my previous article, I talked about how Homestuck is beginning to feel like a video game. The story is so winding and twisty that we’ve got to get right to it if I’m going to help you to understand what’s going on.
Where we last left our heroes, Rose hooks up the spare generator outside her dead pet’s mausoleum (which her mother built for her) and pushes her taxidermied cat’s coffin over to make room for her laptop, as you do. We update with John again, who’s figured out what’s wrong with his room: the door is back on its hinge. The unholy hybrid of sprite, harlequin, and Nanna has played a prank on him by leaving a bucket of water on top of the door. Jinkies!
Nanna Sprite reveals that the place John is in is called the Medium, a place of pure void dividing light and darkness. John’s dad has been kidnapped by a monster like the one he killed earlier. Above the Medium, beyond the Seven Gates, there is a place called Skaia — which is a “crucible of unlimited creative potential.” The forces of light defend it, and the forces of darkness attack it, but the forces of light are destined to lose. It’s pictured more like a chess game. There’s more pretty art and music.
The point is for John to journey up the gates to Skaia. The First Gate is called the Ultimate Riddle, and they can reach the top by building. There are four Spires, apparently, which rule the forces of light and dark? Anyways, John is going to get to save his dad, but the earth is toast. Nanna thinks he’s a good boy, though, and goes off to make cookies. John does not like cookies. The Wayward Vagabond, who has been watching through the direction text, does. They fight over cookies for a good ten pages in total, and then we cut to the future, where the Vagabond starts reading a book about Human Etiquette.
Cut to a few months ago, when it is Rose’s birthday, and the Garden Gnostic (GG) is dropping hints about the possibilities of bringing Rose’s cat back to life — much like Nanna was brought back to life. GG also comments that both Rose and Dave say exactly the opposite of what they mean, which…is very astute. They don’t seem to lie that much to each other, though; Dave will say one thing to John, and then say the exact opposite to Rose. It’s an interesting friendship. We then cut to Dave in Act 1, who is looking down at the bird he killed in his hellscape city being bombarded by meteors. He attributes a Snoop Dog quote to John Keats. He then goes to find his brother’s Sburb game. And, okay — while I could put up with John’s dad’s harlequin collection, and Rose’s mom’s wizard collection, Dave’s brother’s puppet collection is mildly freaky. Maybe it’s just because Dave and John find it freaky. Maybe it’s the puppet porn that shows up later…yeah, no, it’s the puppet porn website he runs. Dave’s brother, consider yourself kinkshamed in a non-ironic fashion. Dave’s brother’s whole shtick seems to be doing extreme things and calling it ironic when it’s really just pointlessly gross. And he’s a white ventriloquist rapper to boot.
Dave, who is being freaked out by the puppets, pesters John, who is just finishing up his cookie denial. When John snaps out of it, he realizes that his home is covered in monsters, rather like toothy cockroaches that give you XP and building materials when you step on them. Rose builds a platform on the roof of John’s house out of the building materials he’s gathered.
John, for reasons of his own, mounts his pogo ride to destroy the monsters tearing up his living room. In the direction text, the Wayward Vagabond has learned proper Human Etiquette and directs John with “now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste.” The Vagabond is basically my favorite character at this point, guys. It’s a shame John can’t tell him where to find a can opener.
Rose and John have more adventures with property destruction and inventories. John attempts to climb some of the stairs Rose made and fails because they’re too skinny. We cut to Dave, who is noticing that his brother is stalking him by moving his ventriloquist puppet around the room where it can watch him. Even Dave thinks that this is a little too ironic. He ventures to the kitchen, which is full of delicious items like shurikens, fireworks, saws, and cherry bombs. As Dave collects items for his inventory, we actually see his brother place Cal in the background. And then, we discover that his brother has placed a huge pile of puppets in the ceiling entrance to tumble down on Dave when he opens it. That’s something of a last straw for Dave. I sympathize.
We cut to John, who is experimenting with using the Sburb stations to make items. It’s complicated and drawn out. He figures out how to make a pogohammer, though, which is like a hammer but bouncier. He lands on his bed and attempts to nap. Meanwhile, a larger monster is creeping up from the depths. Rose attempts to message John the code for the server CD so that he can make one, install it, and help her escape the forest fire around her house. She fails because the forest fire has reached her generator and because the CD code is very big. She double facepalms.
John wakes up and talks to GG, who is even more spookily prescient but certain that everything is going to turn out okay — which is helpful since John has a bunch of larger monsters called Crude Ogres looking menacingly at him. And then we cut to Dave, who has received a note from his brother telling him to bring Cal and get to the roof of the building. Katana in hand, he ascends for what is sure to be an epic battle in the middle of a meteor storm when — PSYCHE — we cut to the Wayward Vagabond.
The Wayward Vagabond is just trying to get a bite to eat. He eats a rotten pumpkin, a piece of uranium, and two green crayons. He’s also now a character like the others in that he’s being given directions, which is interesting. He is starving in a world of cans without a can opener, so he does the obvious thing: he builds a Can Town and becomes their Mayor. Same, Vagabond. Same. He uses the crayons to make roads and a sky and planets. It…feels like a metaphor? It’s an adorable metaphor. And then he interacts with the computer and starts directing John, which we’ve already seen. Time kinda seems to be looping here in order to tell all the stories, which of course makes it the perfect time for a sugar high!
The Vagabond types Home into the computer and accidentally sets off a four hour countdown. So, naturally, he procrastinates for most of that time by playing on the chess set he made in Can Town. When he has four minutes left, he decides to go out only to find that the door has been closed by a Peregrine Mendicant! He scurries around in the bunker and finds a platform that takes things from one place and puts them in another. He frees a firefly from amber, who becomes his new best friend, and retrieves a pumpkin from the past. In trying to grab all the cans of food into the pumpkin, he successfully….manages to not escape in time. PSYCHE. The bunker rises into the air, and we see…a lot of stuff I don’t entirely understand yet. The bunker goes to a caldera that was once a volcano and the site of a meteor strike and the center of a frog temple. It also maybe used to be John’s house? It is sort of revealed that the Vagabond is in the Earth’s future, yet somehow communicating with the past? We cut to Rose, who is fighting for her generator against the forest fire, and Rose’s mom, who opens up a secret passage underneath Jasper’s coffin. We cut to John’s dad, who turns to fight off monsters with a cake to the face. We cut to Dave, who is preparing to fight his brother with a katana. And…we cliffhang.
I’m still intrigued! Very grossed out by Dave’s brother, but intrigued. The Vagabond is my favorite character so far, with the Garden Gnostic as a close second, and the Rose-Mother dynamic as a good third. I’m mildly confused, but I get that that’s normal.
Five acts to go, folks! Until next time.