by Lana Day

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Jamie Anderson

When you died, I lost a piece of myself. I remember feeling like I had died that day too— I still wonder if I did. I still wonder if my life split into a different timeline and I somehow fell into the one where you’re gone. It’s been 2,282 days, which is, more specifically, 6 years 2 months and 30 days. It’s funny how when someone dies, at first, people really feel for you, but the more time that passes after the day— the more acceptable it seems to become for everyone else. But inside you, inside of me, it’s still there. It always is. It doesn’t feel like the first day, nor the second, but it feels like you’re reliving the 30th day all over again, infinitely. The pain is tolerable but I can feel it in my heart. I can feel something scratching my brain all the time. There’s something missing. There is love in my heart for you and no one can take it—it hurts. There are other people I love, of course, but the love for each person is different and the love for you is sitting. It’s waiting and it doesn’t want to.

 I would give my own life to have a day with you and I truly mean that, regardless of how terrible that is for the rest of our family. There is no greater pain than death. The idea that life is not eternal is the biggest ball of dread in my stomach. I live every moment with the idea that I or someone I love could die. I don’t know if you’re to blame for that but if you’re not, then who is? 

Grief will never go away. There are not 6 stages of grief, grief is an infinite emotion. It will hit you in different ways for the rest of your life. When you lose someone the small things in life remind you of them, the simple things. 

When the wind blows just right, sometimes I swear, I can feel your energy there with me. I will always see a butterfly and think of you. I could never forget your face, or your voice, or your stupid nicknames for me. My life will continue onwards and I will forever hold you in my heart, but sometimes I confuse your face with grief.