I got into 5 universities and got to go to my number one pick. I got a single room, exactly what I wanted. Packed and ready to start my new life, we drive 5 hours, and as we approach the city, I begin to panic, tears rushing to my face. Where is my lush evergreen trees and green grass? Where are the mountains? The water? I am landlocked…claustrophobic. Tears are streaming down my face, and all I want to do is call my mom. She’s not here, and she needs to be. My room is 10 by 12. Fun fact: A jail cell is 10 by 10. When I finish unpacking, there is too much stuff. I have over packed. My mom was right; I didn’t need my favorite books, all my clothes, or my knick-knacks.

A few weeks pass, and now I have adjusted. I’ve made a few friends (all in my dorm), and one is looking to be my new best friend. We spend every day together, every meal, and we talk about everything. She tells me about her boyfriend; I give her advice. I talk about my ex and how he doesn’t think we’re broken up, and she gives me advice. My other two friends and I start watching Stranger Things together, and we start eating together; my bestie is off doing other things. I meet a guy in class; we flirt, he likes my hair…two weeks later we don’t talk anymore. I wanted a relationship; he just wanted to have fun. Now, it’s parents’ weekend; my parents aren’t here. My bestie is with her family. My other friend invites me along to eat dinner with her folks. I see bestie at dinner. It’s awkward; she introduces me to her family, and then I go back with my other friend.

Next day, bestie is mad at me. We argue all during calculus. She was upset I was with other friends, and it was embarrassing to her. I don’t have a bestie anymore. I start getting into Tinder and meet a few guys. First guy was a mistake, and second guy was nice, I thought…. Second guy was a mistake. I stop using Tinder. My friends and I get invited to a party at a different campus. We hang out in someone’s dorm. My head hurts, and my friend mistakes it as I am not having a good time.

We can’t get into the party. We decide to drive back, and I get out of the car. I wait for my friends in the rain. They stopped to talk to their friends. They said they’ll meet me inside. So I go inside. I wait…5…10…15 minutes. They’re gone; they’re at the party. I was ditched. We don’t talk anymore. Winter break, thank God. I go home. My ex and I think we can be friends, so we hangout. That was a bad idea. Now he thinks we’re back together…again. I break his heart…again, and I say I’m sorry.

Back at school. My only friend is my neighbor; we eat dinner together almost every night. We start having movie nights, but I’m still lonely. I go back to Tinder and put my Snapchat on it. I get new friends on Snapchat. One comes over…. It’s a hook up…doesn’t go well. I delete Tinder. Sad, lonely, I just want my friends back home to be with me. I apply for a transfer to a college closer to home. My university is getting rid of my major.

Spring semester is going well. I’ve made a new friend, so now I have two. My high school crush goes to school with me; he’s in one of my classes. We’ve never talked except for when we worked on our senior project together. Two weeks into the class, he snapped me a pic of him lying in bed. I’m stunned. I start to shake with nerves, and I get all giddy. I respond, and we start talking, and I am ecstatic. My mind wonders, Why now? Why does he want to talk to me? Two days later he asks if I have a boyfriend. Nope. He wants to hang out, and I ask for him to elaborate. “Are you DTF?” Well, I’m crushed, but I want him to think I’m chill. So we hang. I can’t shake my feelings for him, so we continue to talk. I hope he will ask me to go on a date…so far he hasn’t.

I have an eating disorder. Thinking about eating makes me upset. No, I know I’m not fat. Yes, I know a guy will like me for me. No, I am not ashamed of my body. School year is coming to a close. All I think about is leaving and seeing my actual friends and finding someone who actually cares about me and loves to cuddle. I am still waiting for my freedom, endless beginnings, and exciting life experiences. Maybe next year. Next year I will live life to the fullest, make a meaningful friendship, love myself, and live life not regretting a single thing.

Liberty Lomonaco is a freshman at a college in Spokane, Washington. She is majoring in electrical engineering with a minor in robotics. She’s from Seattle, Washington, and her dream is to work on NASA’s mission to Mars project as an electrical engineer. She loves reading and writing in her spare time.