by Grace Korynta
“Your dad took his own life this morning”
Words I never thought I would hear coming out of my mom’s mouth
Yet there I was
Eleven
Sitting to the right of my mom
On a bench at the beach
Waves rolling in
As my face flooded with tears
My sister to her left
My mom’s arms wrapped around us both
As she tried to hold us together
While she told us the most horrific thing
I can’t imagine that feeling
Having to tell your two daughters that their dad died that morning
“Your dad took his own life this morning”
Words that I can still hear
Brought back to that moment in time
Clutching my mom and sister in one hand
The bench with my other
Knuckles turning white
Face burning from my tears
All I wanted to do was scream
To die
To not be there
To not hear what I just heard
For it all to not be real
I remember once in high school I wrote
“As the waves blended with my tears, I wished that I was gone too”
My mom asked me then if that was really how I felt
And I said yes
Sometimes, yes
When it all gets too heavy, yes
When all I hear is
“Your dad took his own life this morning”
Over and over in my head
And when I can’t turn it off
Or shut it up
Then yes
It has been thirteen years since that day
And sometimes I feel stupid for still being sad about it
Sometimes I feel really alone
Like I’m the only one still grieving
And I know that isn’t true
But grief can feel suffocatingly isolating
And honestly
All I want is to hear his voice again
I’m afraid I’m forgetting what he sounded like
To hug him and smell him and hear him laugh
Or to see him smile
When all is said and done, it’s the littlest things that you’ll want to remember
That you’ll miss the most
Dad, I miss you so much
On that Wednesday sitting on that bench
I felt the sand in between my fingers
& I thought to myself that everything stopped then and there
Finishing elementary school
Making it to middle school
Graduating high school
It all felt impossible, unreachable
If he wouldn’t be there to see it all happen
It felt pointless
Not to mention, falling in love
Or getting married
Or one day having children of my own
I would give anything to hear a conversation between my dad and my husband
And all the little beautiful moments
Like a tulip on the side of the road
Or watching Tatis Jr play baseball
All of it
All that life has to offer
Suddenly became stained with grief and covered in sadness,
Even the most beautiful things
Because now he wasn’t going to be here to witness it
Or experience it
Or live it
But I’m slowly realizing
Thirteen years later
That maybe just maybe
He’s still here
Just different now
Maybe he lives on in the air that I breathe
In the love that I share
In the relationships that I form
All that he’s taught me
And all that he was
Is still alive inside me
& maybe just maybe
Knowing that everything that’s beautiful
Would be that much more beautiful
If he were here to see it
Maybe that in and of itself, is extraordinarily beautiful
Because now, I get to try to see it through his eyes
Dad, I miss you so much
